Tuesday, December 24

Been quite a while since my last post. Guess you can tell things have been busy at work (wink).

My partner and I are spending Christmas day with my mom, aunt, brother and sister-in-law. I'm not really looking forward to it because my mom is sometimes trying and hard to relate with, so I have to be patient and nice all day. Not one of my strong suits, I'm afraid.

I got a call last night from my brother. He lives in Straightyville, about four and a half hours away from Fruitland. His wife was driving home from a Reno Depot, hit a patch of black ice and slid into a concrete curb. Whatever wheel hit the curb hit it on an angle and is warped. My bro isn't sure what this will cost, but he mentioned he'd need a new rim, probable wheel alignment, possible front end work on his tire rods, etc. Just what he wanted this time of the year. Plus he isn't sure he can get all the necessary repairs done today, being that it's Christmas Eve and all. His alternative plans included hopping on a bus or train or red-eye to get to Fruitland, renting a car, or driving on the back roads with his spare tire and taking his time. I told him that probably wasn't such a good idea, since a spare tire is good for about 50 clicks only. As far as the rest of it goes, if he's lucky enough to get two seats and has the cash on hand, go for it. Otherwise, take it easy and make the trip another time. It would totally suck if he wasn't here for Christmas, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

It makes me think there's more to the holiday than just getting what you want. I'm really big on the idea of having a casual Christmas get together rather than a formal dinner with all the fixin's, including relatives I couldn't care less if I see again. I keep pushing the idea of a Christmas brunch in a fancy restaurant, then back to somebody's home for drinks and a movie. Very relaxed. Maybe a small gift for the host or for one person in the group, otherwise just good company. Maybe the real reason I'm not that keen about doing the whole Christmas thing is I resent having to buy as many gifts as I bought. I'm in a pretty tight financial spot right now; hubby isn't working and the first unemployment cheque is due early January. That means almost everything we've bought has been on the credit card. This wouldn't be too bad if the balance wasn't close to the limit before we had to buy for Christmas. Now...let's just say I'm white-knuckled with dread about our upcoming bill. Plus nobody in my family gave me directions on what they wanted until I got firm with them. Even with the escalation of emphasis, my brother said "I don't have a clue. Just do what you did last year, wing it and get what you think I'll like". Yeah, right. Little does he know I spent the better part of two weeks wandering around mall after mall waiting for the right gifts to jump out and say "He'd like me". Didn't have the time to do that this year. So I ended up buying a bunch of stuff half out of desperation, hoping they'll at least give me credit for trying. Bah! I feel like Scrooge.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone.

Thursday, December 5

Why is meeting someone you've been in contact with over the internet so difficult? I tell you, I'm getting a complex over this. Nothing is working out and I'm frustrated!!!

I've got personal ads on four different online communities, both g-rated and x-rated versions, but I've had such a small number of responses over the last year I'm questioning whether they're worth keeping.

I'm not looking for love or a long term relationship, just a chance to get together occasionally for hot, slutty sex. With my taste for fat old men, I thought I'd have a ton of people wanting to get together. But no, quite the opposite. So where's the problem?

I don't want to paint a picture of absolute hopelessness, I mean I've had people from outside the Fruitland area ask if I travel or if I'd meet them at their motel/ hotel when they fly through town on business. The problem is, things never worked out. First of all, I rarely travel. Secondly, when they come to town they're either free when I'm at work or they come with a group and want to come to my place, which isn't an option.

The times I've met people for coffee haven't been fantastic either. One guy was over 400 lbs - waaay too much of a good thing. Had I know this in advance, I never would have bothered with coffee, but I guess my psychic powers were at a low point the day I read "I'm a big guy" in his personal ad. Who knew? Another guy, who I ended up going home with, had a dick the size of my middle finger. Not that I'm a size queen, but I like to have something at least to work with.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from a guy I hoped to meet this afternoon. He starts it off with "Oh that's right, you live in Fruitland. I meant to give you a call when I was in town on business...". First clue I had he lived out of town, and we'd sent at least four messages to one another. I'd say he's a jerk, but that goes without saying.

I think the problem is, I don't have a real grasp on how to answer personal ads. There's an etiquette or nuance I'm missing, some kind of secret language I haven't learned. That, plus I don't have a picture of myself I'm willing to give. This has been a major obsiticle a number of times, although I'm not sure why. The thing is, I guess some people don't want to get together until they see the goods. To those people I say "fuck you".

I'm a big believer that you should take chances in life. I also believe that people are basically honest. Keeping this in mind, I treat people as being upfront and decent until they prove me wrong. When someone describes himself in a personal ad, I assume when we meet he'll be a pretty close to the picture he's painted. This works both ways. I assume people will treat my ad as being honest and upfront, so when we meet they'll already have a good sense of what I look like, etc. Is this naive? I guess it must be, because I'm not getting much in the way of unconditional support.

Oh well. Guess not hooking up with other slutty men gives me more time to do other things. And besides, today is another day, right?

Check ya later.

Saturday, November 30

First of all, my paper is done and gone. All my stress and nervousness was for nothing, because once I started writing it everything flowed. Ok, not exactly for nothing because everything flowed in peices and I could only sit at my computer for half an hour at a time. That's a pretty shitty feeling, waiting for the right words or paragraph to come to mind, then waiting for the next lump of inspiration. In the end I was happy with what I turned in and totally expect a wicked mark. After class a bunch of us went to the bar, had a little party and did the usual goodbye stuff, promising we'd call over the holidays and really, really looking forward to seeing each other in the New Year, etc, etc. Sure there are a couple people I'd like to run into, but I'm not going to hold my breath for that to happen. At best, I'll most likely have a class with nobody special. At worst, I'll be in class with the few people I can't stand. There are two of them, the annonying twenty-something fat gay guy who knows everything about everything always gives you his opinion, and the thirty-something oppressed single mom who tells you about the how oppressive the system is through examples from her life. If I have to endure these people much longer I'll crack. Why is it that some people don't shut up when they see everyone around them is restless and bored? Is it they need attention so bad they'll take whatever kind they can get? Are they really selfish people who are so self-absorbed they just don't get it? All I know is, thank God I'm not related to either one of them.

Actually, I'm a pretty solitary guy at school; I go to class, usually grab a coffee or snack with some classmates, walk with whoever to the bus after class and get the fuck home. I'm not super big on hanging out with people in a bar on a Monday or Thursday night. Call me crazy, but I rather like getting into my sweat pants and sloppy Sunday shirts at the end of the day and reading the paper or watching TV. Very low key.

Anyway, that's all for now. Have a day.

Tuesday, November 26

So tonights the big night...the paper. I've finished reading the book and thought I'd spend a little time percolating the info before I sat down to write. BIG MISTAKE. From the get-go I wasn't into this project, but I forced myself to buckle down and do it. Now I've got brain freeze or something, because I don't remember shit about what I read last night. Ok, there's a lot of stuff about the poor being blamed for their poverty when the real culprits are big business and an uncaring government, but what about the other 150 pages?!

Honestly, the reason I chose a book on poor-bashing in the first place is I thought my biases would be corrected. I truely believe the reason some people don't have much is because they're lazy and don't want to work. I'm not saying big business and uncaring governments don't have a part to play in keeping poor people down, but at a minimum I can't believe the poor don't play a part themselves. I've met a number of poor people who spend their money on booze or drugs instead of on food, etc. I've met a bunch of poor people who don't want to get up in the morning to go to work, or don't want to start at the bottom or want a job that pays them a fortune. WELL DON'T WE ALL! Obviously this isn't every poor person, but there are people who live a weekend lifestyle every day and don't want to be responsible. There are poor people who just don't want to be a part of mainstream society, who make excuses for not looking for work or not taking a Mcjob until they learn skills, etc, to move on to something better. I'm really struggling with my own negative, judgemental attitudes on this one.

Another beef I have is the author basically wants everyone to change their political beliefs to that of Marxism, her conviction that this change of attitude will culminate in the creation of a land of true equality. Beautiful dream, but it's not going to happen. The thing of it is, society was set up to reward those who work hard. Back in the day, when you had to farm the land and fight off wolves and chop wood so you didn't freeze in the winter, you didn't have the choice to not work. Ok you did, but if you didn't pull your weight, you'd starve or freeze. So from then till now, work is something you do. I'm not saying there are tons of jobs the poor can take or should take, because some jobs forced on them through policies like workfare are nothing more than indentured servitude, which is wrong. I'm just having a hard time buying that all the poor want to work and cant' because they haven't been given the opportunity.

Guess I'm going to make a shitty social worker huh? All I can say in my defence is, I'm working on it. Please be patient.

Have a good night all.

Monday, November 25

Haven't posted anything in almost a week and I don't have the continuity I'd hoped for. No real excuse for it, just other things got in the way. So here's whats what. I have a paper for a class due this Thursday and I haven't finished reading the book. I'm just not that into it, truth be told. It's not that the book is boring so much as it's about my starting to loose interest in the subject matter. A lot of repeated arguements about the disappearance of the welfare state and the terrible position this puts so many people in across the country. It's a sad read because it emphasizes a change for the worst that touches every piece of Canada. I don't want to sound like a real lefty, but there are some things that shouldn't be touched and universal programs are one of them. Anyway, that and a couple other more mundane things have been getting me down. Something I'll have to work on. Seriously, I sometimes think I'm bi-polar or just slightly depressed. I've fought talking to my doctor about this because it doesn't happen very often and I don't like the idea of relying on a pill to make it through the day, but I wonder if I should. More on this subject later.

Anyway, I'm off to the bedroom to finish my book. Wish me luck everyone.

Tuesday, November 19

Holy fuckin shit! I got about three hours sleep last night and fear I'm about to have a tremendously long day. Don't know why I can't sleep, but this has been happening for the last couple months. I ended up reading a book I'm doing a report on in the hopes it would be so boring I'd fall asleep. No luck there. Actually the book turned out to be less boring than I thought. It talks about poverty and how society blames the poor for their plight, saying they're too lazy to work and how they aren't encouraged to even look for a job because they have a pretty good deal on welfare, etc. Totally not true. The book gives lots of reasons why the poor are scapegoats, not to mention how aweful and stigmatizing it is to rely on welfare, and goes on to say the real problems with poverty is an unequal distribution of wealth, a lack of good paying jobs, little affordable housing, and on like that. Really good stuff to wrap your head around.

In case you haven't guessed it by now, I'm a social worker and a pretty big lefty. Another interesting tidbit about me. Yay! More to come, no doubt. For now, I have to haul ass if I'm going to make my 8:00 meeting. Let's see, that gives me 50 minutes to get there...10 minutes for a shower, 5 for grooming, 5 for dressing, 10 more for eating....plus the stop at Starbucks on the way....I've gotta go!

Y'all have a great day now!

Sunday, November 17

[11/17/2002 5:21:14 PM | Itsa Secret]
This is my first posting in, what I hope, will be a daily journal. So to start things off with a bang, here's some stuff about me. I'm an early thirties, white, gay male who lives downtown in a fairly big city. I'm in a relationship with a man who's almost 20 years older than me with a build like Santa Claus. I love what the gay community calls bears; fat, hairy, older men. Don't ask me why, but I absolutely go weak in the knees when a daddy bear gives me the eye. Consequently, I meet a lot of these types for casual sex. I rationalize that this isn't as bad as it sounds by thinking about my partners' weak sex drive. No word of a lie, if we have sex once every two weeks it's a miracle. We've talked about this and he's said I should go out and get what I need on the side. So long as he doesn't find out about it and I don't bring anything home, he's ok with me engaging in an occasional dalliance. The compicated part is I'm not. It's a little confusing and waaay to long to get into here, bu trust me when I say this will come up again and agian in this journal.

Speaking of the journal, I chose to keep things as anonymous as possible for a couple of reasons. One, because there are things I've done - or am likely to do - that I don't want anyone close to me to know about. I want the freedom to post whatever I want without the worry of having someone confront me or demand explainations. Guess you could say I'm a pretty big coward, opting for a place to confess my sins without having to deal with angry, confused friends. Cet la vie, I'm afraid. Secondly, I'm an aspiring writer who isn't that confident about his writing abilities. I'm going on the assumption I know how to put a sentence together and write reasonably well, but this may not be the case. If one of you dear readers criticize the way I write, I may take it as constructive or may just dismiss it as jealousy, etc. If a close friend started to pick my writing apart, I'm afraid my fragile ego couldn't handle it and I'd end up in bed, sick with remorse.

God, makes my friends sound really supportive eh? They're not bad people and would probably be very considerate of my feelings, but I'm not ready to claim responsibility for the emotions I ellicit through my words. Something to aspire towards.

So that's a little about me. I hope you enjoyed our time together and look forward to future postings. For my part, I will try and be as considerate to you as possible by writing the things most near and dear to my heart.

Stay tuned, gentle reader.
This is my first posting in, what I hope, will be a daily journal. So to start things off with a bang, here's some stuff about me. I'm an early thirties, white, gay male who lives downtown in a fairly big city. I'm in a relationship with a man who's almost 20 years older than me with a build like Santa Claus. I love what the gay community calls bears; fat, hairy, older men. Don't ask me why, but I absolutely go weak in the knees when a daddy bear gives me the eye. Consequently, I meet a lot of these types for casual sex. I rationalize that this isn't as bad as it sounds by thinking about my partners' weak sex drive. No word of a lie, if we have sex once every two weeks it's a miracle. We've talked about this and he's said I should go out and get what I need on the side. So long as he doesn't find out about it and I don't bring anything home, he's ok with me engaging in an occasional dalliance. The compicated part is I'm not. It's a little confusing and waaay to long to get into here, bu trust me when I say this will come up again and agian in this journal.

Speaking of the journal, I chose to keep things as anonymous as possible for a couple of reasons. One, because there are things I've done - or am likely to do - that I don't want anyone close to me to know about. I want the freedom to post whatever I want without the worry of having someone confront me or demand explainations. Guess you could say I'm a pretty big coward, opting for a place to confess my sins without having to deal with angry, confused friends. Cet la vie, I'm afraid. Secondly, I'm an aspiring writer who isn't that confident about his writing abilities. I'm going on the assumption I know how to put a sentence together and write reasonably well, but this may not be the case. If one of you dear readers criticize the way I write, I may take it as constructive or may just dismiss it as jealousy, etc. If a close friend started to pick my writing apart, I'm afraid my fragile ego couldn't handle it and I'd end up in bed, sick with remorse.

God, makes my friends sound really supportive eh? They're not bad people and would probably be very considerate of my feelings, but I'm not ready to claim responsibility for the emotions I ellicit through my words. Something to aspire towards.

So that's a little about me. I hope you enjoyed our time together and look forward to future postings. For my part, I will try and be as considerate to you as possible by writing the things most near and dear to my heart.

Stay tuned, gentle reader.